“If I lose myself on the way… Will you find me?”
This is a question I ask myself every time I learn something new about my life and my sexuality. It scares me because it makes me question myself. Have I ever been truly myself?
Letting your imagination fly
Getting carried away by desire and passion, as well as making real the feelings my body experiences, has proven to be a worthy challenge.
I am moved by desire, arousal and excitement. Until not long ago,
I used to feel guilty for either getting swept up in passion or taking the reins and feeling pleasure with my lovers.
When I started this path…
My mentor focused on teaching me the different physical practices of sexual energy. She taught me how to enjoy myself through the pleasure felt by others.
However, that was her truth, not my own. I was never able to feel pleasure through someone else’s enjoyment.
I knew how to give pleasure, just not how to receive it.
I couldn’t get aroused and I would often feel bad and angry, as I didn’t know what was happening to me.
If the roles changed and I was the one turned on, whenever my lover couldn’t satisfy my needs, the outcome was the same: I would feel deeply frustrated.
Eventually, my mentor and I parted ways because she realised she was hurting me. Our lives had to follow different paths.
I learnt so many good things from her. However, she also left some scars that I managed to heal as time went by.
I have a new mentor now.
With him I’ve learnt to let my instincts take over and enjoy the whole experience rather than focusing solely on getting an orgasm.
An orgasm is a mere consequence of the pleasure I am feeling.
How far will I go?
Sometimes I ask myself how lewd I can be. The answer gets more and more lascivious every time.
Enjoying sounds, vibrations, caresses and words that are aimed to seduce you is such an elixir. I keep wanting more and more.
Touching the surface is not enough anymore.