New Experiences – My First Times
This is the first post of several of a section that I have decided to call my first times.
We experience new “first times” many times throughout our lives. Sometimes, a particular situation might lead us to experiment more than one “first time” in the same situation.
In my case, regarding sexuality, I started experiencing first times from a very young age. When we are children, we start living our sexuality without being truly aware of it.
We are curious about how our body works. We experiment out of curiosity, there is no sexual connotation. If we follow our intuition, our body demands what it wants in that particular moment: feelings, instinct, perception…
Being a kid
When I was a young girl, around 4 or 5 years old, I loved playing “mummies and daddies”.
We never actually played with boys, just girls (no one ever played “the dad” so I guess it is more accurate to say “mummies and mummies”).
When we played, we pretended to be adults and we copied what we saw them do… we wanted to be like them.
I must say that when I was very young, another girl and I, played practically naked.
The first time I ever touched someone else’s body, it was hers.
We would get together in bed, under the sheets (we would turn off the light) and we kissed and caressed each other… It was a different experience, something new.
I remember feeling things that we couldn’t really understand, which made me particularly interested in trying it out more.
We played just like we would play any other game, it was normal for us.
However, at the same time, we knew that it was a game that we could not play in front of adults.
They caught us
One time, they caught us and they scolded us both. My friend said that I had been the one to get her to play that game and the adults punished me. They told us that we were being bad girls.
Touching each other and playing naked was immoral and obscene. Nudity had to be kept hidden away
In the Shower
t’s something very curious, because when it was time to have a shower. We sometimes showered together, exposing our bodies, but of course, we were supervised by an adult woman and the situation was not the same.
Returning to the above, faced with this situation. I felt very guilty, ashamed and sad because I did not understand what was wrong with what we were doing. I felt judged.
When we had to shower, we often bathed together, exposing our bodies. The situation was quite different, of course, as there was an adult woman looking after us.
Nudity was only allowed at specific times and under strict supervision.
Back to what I was talking before, I felt extremely guilty, ashamed and sad because I did not understand why what we did was wrong.
I felt judged. Now I know that it was not about knowing or not, or whether my vagina was a good or a bad thing… It felt as a castration of my own being, my nudity.
That adult woman imposed her own fears and prejudices on me, without even giving me the opportunity to live my own experiences. All I wanted was to satisfy my own curiosity, playing as any other child.
For society, (especially years ago) nudity and sexuality are tainted and they are only good when in private.
This is why people avoid talking to children about their own body or their sexuality, because it is something that they are not prepared for and which affects them “negatively”.
Ways to Educate
Let me remind you that sexuality is a very broad concept, it does not exclusively mean sexual intercourse.
There are many different ways of talking to children and teaching them what they need to know about their bodies so that they have a good relationship with themselves and their sexuality.
Even from a very young age, they can learn to not be afraid of the reactions and changes their bodies go through.
They can understand how their bodies work, from a positive perspective.
Over time, I got to experiment sexuality again, but it did not happen from a positive place. Whenever I did it, I always ended up feeling bad.
To be continued … “My First Times”