INSTABILITY AND REJECTION
-My hands are hot and my feet are cold.
-Pleasuring myself makes me feel ashamed. I love it and I hate feeling like this. I cry as my mind tells me what I'm doing is wrong, my body, however, differs.
-Why do you do it?
-Part of me wants to stop, but at the same time I'm craving pleasure and I want to see where it takes me.
-But you are doing it from rejection. In order to take in pleasure, you need to forgive yourself for what happened. Remember…
- My hands were tied up. They felt really hot.
- It was supposed to be a game. That's why you agreed to it.
- I felt bad about everything that was happening… It felt nice at first, but then I realised I didn't want to be part of this. I wanted to yell, to tell him to let go of me, but I was speechless.
- The tears running down my cheeks spoke for themselves. He breached your trust, your vulnerability.
- I hated myself for how my body reacted to this. I felt filthy.
- You haven't felt clean ever since. Sometimes, you have to live through hard moments and to face unpleasant situations that may leave wounds that are hard to heal.
- Transmuting all these memories and make them part of me without all the pain is a hard task.But not impossible. Loving myself and feeling comfortable with my own body and everything that makes me who I am, has not been easy.
Accepting myself and loving myself has proven to be an arduous task. I know what you are going through. I know how much it hurts. I am you, and you are me.
However, I have decided to love myself and transmute those memories, thus healing my sexual energy. You, on the other hand, have clung onto your wounds, filling yourself with rage and pain.
- I wake up every morning with just one thing in mind: feeling better with myself, loved and feeling that everything flows around me. I don't always manage to do it.
I have been hurt, I have felt bad about it. I didn't know how to say no and that wrecked me. I feel torn apart and I want to put all the pieces together again. I need to enjoy my own scent, feel my skin…
However, this massive bed doesn't make it easier. I don't like being alone.
- You are not alone, you are with me, with yourself. You are going to heal all your wounds. Transmute them. Be free in order for your body to be your own; so that you can be by yourself without feeling guilty.
Because your body is not to blame. It reacted just as nature intended. You body is not the baddie in this story, neither is your mind or your sexual energy. You didn't know it at the time, but now you can see it and you can love your wounds.
Don't judge yourself, hold yourself tightly and love yourself. If you allow yourself, you can be whole again.